Om3ssA's Profile

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and
order the 'Chicken Surprise', the waiter brings the
meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of
the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little
eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her
husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two
little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains
what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you
order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you
Peeking Duck

A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests a veterinarian should have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted, "The bull has not only taken care of all my cows, but also broke through the fence, and even serviced all my neighbor's cows!" "Wow!" exclaims his friend, "What did the vet do to that bull?" The farmer replies, "Just gave him some pills." "What kind of pills?" asks his friend. "I don't know, but they kinda taste like peppermint."

Let freedom ring! And may you here "CH-Ching"! Happy 4th!
*If you are not a citizen of the US, Please take this as a good wish regardless :D

i am creating an audition tape for the pokerstars million dollar challenge and im thinking about using a joke or two. if u can remember, which is ur favorite(s)?

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him.........

happy fathers day...

Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.

Aren't ye Mrs.. Donovan
and didn't I marry ye and yer
hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there
any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going to Rome next week
and I'll light a candle for ye
and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
ten in all!'


The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
to blow out yer f**kin' candle.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.""No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?""It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded."I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?""I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?""No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.""Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?""Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.""Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?""Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?""Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

The Blonde Farmer!

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.""How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field!"

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen.""That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?""No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter."What are you doing?" She asked."Hunting Flies." He responded."Oh! Are you killing any?" She asked."Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked ..... "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."